Good Morning in Heaven Year Three
Angel boy, At year three I still ask myself, “Why did you go?”
I ask in anger, in pain, in the utmost of heart hurt that I carry in my soul each day. The truth is I ask and I know. I know the answer and even with it I find myself in shock that you are gone. Won’t you simply walk through the door and be your silly self once more? I want to see your eyes shine with humor and jest again, life. I want to trick my mind that you are gone, moved away like your sister living life independent. But no, that is not what we have. We have a place that is Earthly empty of you, a loss we can not forget.
Our times today bring something I never imagined. Lockdown, shutdown and sickness among us. Our world is plagued with disease so high that we sit on standby waiting to see if we live or die. It brings along for so many what I now know so well, grief at its worst.
I know how extreme grief can be.
It has the capacity to swallow up an entire family. I have felt it to the core of my bones, paralyzing my thoughts, relationships, physical movement and mood. There were days…weeks that I sat at home after you left us beautiful son. Quiet, withdrawn and ever so stuck. I could not process time the way that one normally does. Time had no meaning, it became a vague presence but not acute. Food became too much or too little depending on the day. It certainly was not for nourishment but more of comfort or control depending on the moment.
Anxiety set in after the shock.
Fear at it’s finest. Working its way deep into my everyday. It’s hard work to let your siblings find freedom to grow when I am so completely afraid of the unbelievable happening again. Every imaginable and unimaginable thought has plagued my thoughts and nightmares. Trauma leaves it’s imprint like a tornado in the deep south. Destruction far and wide. Turning everything in its path upside down. Fear will take the best away and replace it with the ugliest of parts. I see it today in our world around us. Fear has been the path for many it seems. I guess I count myself lucky, experience has taught me fear leads only to a road with no glory.
Depression follows anxiety for many.
Hopelessness the darkest of places when what you know leaves your control. When you see no way past the difficult times and the chemicals in your body give you not enough power to straighten your mind. When all seems so lost that it is more than you can do to even reach out for help.
That’s where you were my beautiful boy. Three years ago today. The world became your prison and you saw no way to escape.
That is the hardest part for us left here on Earth Ethan.
That we could not see your dark.
That you could not see our light.
In between it all there was a gray space that could have sustained your life.
Our world was never meant to be black and white but a place of vibrancy and vitality, one of compromise and sustainability. I think if you were here you would laugh your sweet laugh and turn those gray blue eyes to the world and offer humble advice. You’d say you made a mistake. That as lovely as Heaven is, Earth was created with purpose and here and now is a gift.
I imagine you sharing your experience and reminding people that dark times exist. Growing through trauma, depression, anxiety and fear will lead you to becoming more if you let go of controlling the unknown. Hope and light exist if you let it.
I wish you were here to share all you have learned Ethan. I have learned so much through you Angel Boy. I wish others could see the lessons too.
Our heart bears an empty place never to be filled or replaced.
When you were our only son, before your siblings came along I thought I could love no other child than you. My love was so intense. With each birth and adoption, each sibling that came along, I realized how a heart can stretch and grow in the most beautiful way. My love for you diminished in no way. There was room for you and all of the others. Your death is the same. Your space is still there in all of our lives, intense and full, yet we have grown and stretched in the most beautiful way. Making room for all that God has gifted us since you left and all yet to come still.
In our world today, where so many are finding dark instead of light. Where loss is exponential and the waves of grief reach far and wide. Anger fills hearts that fight for rights. Fear runs wild without control. Loss, consumes everyday, from experiences to physical death.
We grieve and we fight. We fight and we grieve. The trauma of today should be recognized so that we can safely cross the barrier that leads us to the gift of life today and into tomorrw.No matter if your loss is great or small it’s to be recognized to process and move forward. Only then will the world here on Earth find Hope. With time and patience hope leads to the vitality of tomorrow and joy will come to all who reach for it.
I know too, My Angel boy that if you could you’d remind those who don’t know, that our joy begins in the gift of Christ. That without his sacrifice there would be no everlasting. I think often of the gift of God, his only Son. I think every day of HIS loss and my gain, your gain and the promise of eternity for anyone who acts on that love.
My heart is one that feels the feels in the deepest of ways, the grief of others so very real and raw. Embedded in my heart is yours, others with loss today and those who are in the prison of life and see no escape.
I wish you could tell them there is room for joy and life on Earth even with loss, trauma and pain.
I know it to be true now three years in. This is a weary season of dark but there is light ahead. The way to more is a gray place in between that we can all walk through until the light shines a bit brighter on us again.
Goodbye for now my Angel Boy, until we see each other in Eternity. I love you all the way to Heaven and though all of the heart hurt here on Earth. You are my sunshine beautiful boy. My first born, my pride and joy.
For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.
2 Timothy 1:7
