One Moms Tribal Cry – It takes a Village
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Hey Moms, this one is for you (and me) because IT TAKES A VILLAGE TO DO THIS JOB!
I like to picture that each time I write, I am having a conversation with a group of friends. Sitting around my kitchen table with a coffee in hand or even our local winery with a glass of my favorite red close by, sipped slowly and enjoyed.
Why? You matter to me.
You matter because you are a child of God and like me, you are more than likely living a stretched, out of hour’s kind of life.
Maybe you work full time and balance family, house chores, laundry, carpool and a career? Perhaps you are a stay at home mom, balancing toddlers and a new baby? You could be an empty Nester with the weight of your adult children’s lives still bearing on your shoulders.
Whoever you are, you are a friend to me.
I cannot do life alone without your company. If you are like I have been maybe you are carrying this weight of the world in your diaper bag, purse, computer bag or all three and find you are not equipped with the tools to smooth things out. Sigh…..hint: most often I pretend I have it (life) together. Do you ever do that? Pretend….that is.
This past year has taught me some harsh lessons.
I am no expert that is for sure but I do have some experience. I would trade my experience for that of something different any day. As the year ends and I reflect on the past, I am motivated to share my mistakes of carrying the weight alone.
It takes a Village.
At my son’s visitation ( our beautiful boy passed away in April 2017. You can read his story here) , hundreds of people came to us grieving the loss of my beautiful boy. Friends, community members, teachers, strangers, and family greeted me with hollow gazes, looks of shock and confusion in their eyes.
“How could this be?” they would say hugging me and pondering our loss.
After the cloud of the shock of my child’s death lifted and I was left with the heart hurt of the physical pain of losing my eighteen-year-old son to suicide. I felt alone and overwhelmed. Until….
People rallied together in our community to provide meals for our family.
Day after day those meals arrived for more than six weeks. Along with the meals, notes and cards of encouragement and healing. In the weeks that followed I struggled to leave my home. Daily tasks were impossible in my grief. My house chores left undone… until my besties stepped in and cleaned up. I dreaded the grocery store. Too much for me to think about as panic attacks set in.
One day I found we were on our very last roll of toilet paper, with my husband gone on his first work trip since my boy’s death I realized there was no option but to venture out.
I put myself together, grabbed my keys and tripped on a bag of paper products at my door. An entire bag of toilet paper, paper towel, Kleenex, and paper plates. The gift…..perfect. The timing just right. Left by another mama who I knew from the kids school, not a close friend but a mama with a good heart. She took the time to think of me….a priceless gift in my time of need.
It takes a Village to get through life sometimes.
Don’t let it be a tragedy that helps you see your tribe.
It took my son’s death for me to see the Village surrounding me. It took his death for the Village to see we needed support. Unfortunately, I did not reach out earlier due to pride. I was raised to believe I could do it all! Often in our busy society, unless there is a tragedy we do not pull together and support one another as we should. We simply fill our time until we have nothing to give.
Moms put ridiculous pressure on ourselves for what historically entire communities used to share.
Childcare, cooking, cleaning and sharing the ups and downs of life. When we face life alone, caring the burden of everything on our shoulders the pressure is unreasonable. We wear multiple hats as women leading us to high rates of depression, anxiety and poor health.
Women give to their husbands, children, and coworkers often at the expense of themselves.
We feel selfish or weak if we focus on our own emotional needs. We may even have a hard time saying “No.” After all, we have been raised to believe we can do it ALL! It is become harder to ask for help as we see all of our “friends” post on social media how fantastic life is.
What if we let that go and turned that in for a free pass to community and friendship?
What if that group that stared into my grief struck eyes opened up and said I have needs too, and I could reply back with what can I do?
We need a Village to raise our families, to stay married and let’s be real, keep our sanity.
I love to picture the days when I was a kid and things were different.
I challenge you mamma friend. Are you ready for the task?
Lessons learned from my mistakes in life:
Become transparent
Everyone struggles at one time or another. Stop pretending life is perfect. You do not need to post all of your negatives on Facebook but for the love of all things real and beautiful in life stop sharing with the world that you have the highest achieving, talented, unrealistic life. #overachiever #averageisnotsobad
Ask for help
Yes, for real. It is OK not to be able to do life alone. Even God wants us to ask for help. In fact, he expects it.
Matthew 7:7 “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.”
Reach for Less
You heard me right, less is MORE. Aim low my friend. We already do so much. Save your energy for a night of stories and un-rushed tuck-in time with your loves. Give that extra few minutes to your husband and whisper secrets and stories in his ear. The less will come back and bless you with more.
Give yourself a Break
There is a little monkey that sits on my shoulder, most often he says “don’t rest, there is more to do.” When I listen…I fall…almost always, I burn myself out. Does that ever happen to you? Give yourself grace, and a break. Take a five-minute meditation break, head to a yoga class, go for a run, a walk or sit in the closet and hide from your kids for ten minutes. It is ok. I promise life will be better if you take care of you just a bit.
BE the VILLAGE
All of the time…not just when tragedy strikes. Don’t wait for the world to fall apart to step in and love on someone. Join a small group at your church. Meet a group of friends for a glass of wine (each week, consistency counts). Reach out…..go out…and no,Facebook does not count! You have to be able to hug, hold a hand in compassion or say a prayer over them. Hold a neighbors baby, play with their kid. Hang out in their messy living room and just be a friend.
I wish I would have opened up to my friends when I struggled with parenting, marriage and self love.
What if I had been more transparent with our life? If only I had not taken so much on and given myself a break. I could have reached out to a village of people who were right there all along but I did not.
I’m not sure if our outcome would have been any different, it sure would have made me feel not so alone in life. I really felt like I was the only one struggling with balancing it all. Geesh… I am not the only one with a not so perfect life it turns out. Hundreds of people told me so and I appreciate that honesty!
In our loss, we have found gain.
I have found new friendships, deeper relationships and reconnected with friends from before. Through others opening up and sharing the real hard stuff I have connected with a community of women who want more for their families. We feel connected to those around us because we opened our door to the not so perfect junk in our lives. In turn, others have done the same. Can you join us and forget about shame? Join me for the real stuff, the hurt, the fear and the Hope of change.
Don’t do life alone beautiful mamas.
BE the TRIBE of WONDERFUL for a COMMUNITY of women who just might be waiting for someone real to knock on their door.
Let’s Stay in touch!
